It's WEIRD, isn't it -- spending the first decade of your life in a sort of stupid bliss, not even realizing that you're TRULY HAPPY until that DAY when all of a sudden you're NOT and everything CHANGES and you start thinking about how other people LOOK AT YOU and you wonder if you're UGLY and you have to STOP doing things like making animal noises with your mouth or fart sounds with your forearms so you either "follow the crowd" and start lifting weights or putting on makeup or you just GIVE UP -- because about the LAST think you can possibly imagine HAPPENING to you is getting LAID.
Even though you think about it ALL THE TIME
Everywhere -- at school, eating breakfast, shopping with grandma -- you can't get it out of your mind -- does grandma think about it as much as I do? You KNOW that your parents haven't EVER had it -- Why does Dad work in the basement all the time? Mom didn't make dinner again. How did dad's hair get brown again all of a sudden? If I could JUST get LAID I'd be HAPPY.
Maybe you start reading a lot, or try drawing or something, even though it's not FUN like it used to be because all you can think about is that you're probably doing it WRONG or that it's BAD and someone's going to NOTICE, maybe someone you really don't want to notice, maybe someone you really want to have SEX with. Or maybe you get lucky and you get to have a CAR or some COOL CLOTHES or maybe you're just REALLY lucky and you're really BEAUTIFUL or HANDSOME so you get to find out what it's ALL ABOUT before everyone ELSE does. Maybe you even FALL in LOVE because you FINALLY got to HAVE SEX with someone but you haven't known that person long enough to start being IRRITATED by them or to RESENT them or be DISGUSTED by their physical appearance or their STUPID HABITS. Or maybe you start DRINKING or taking DRUGS so you can BEAR the sight of their NAKED FLESH and you can STILL take your PLEASURE without being filled with DESPAIR or a HOLLOW feeling of SOMETHING -- who knows what it is -- it just doesn't feel RIGHT and you want OUT -- RIGHT NOW --
Acme Seed Company
Dep't. 1800 Chicago, Illinois.
Our 26th year.
I love McSweeney's...