Gregory Pettigrew (etherial) wrote,
Gregory Pettigrew

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Minority Report

Poseidon was not total garbage. The set-up sequence was really bad, but they got to the disaster in record time. The cast was as follows:

•The Dad. Also, an ex-firefighter and ex-mayor of New York City. Did I mention he was played by Kurt Russell?
•The Lovers. The Dad's daughter and her boyfriend.
•The Gambler. The mainish character of the movie, as evidenced by the horrifically bad CGi shot of him jogging all along the deck of the ship in the opening sequence.
•The Single-mom. Gee, what could possibly interest a Gambler besides money?
•The Kid. Attached to the single mom, of course.
•The Man With Nothing Left To Lose. A gay cuckold? This is *so* a 21st century movie.
•The Stowaway. At least she's hot.
•The Cook. ¡Más y Menos si Podemos!
•The Plucky Comic Relief. Man, I hate that guy...
•The Captain/Preacher/Black Guy. As always, they ran out of budget and had to consolidate a few characters. My favourite of these was Deep Blue Sea's Cook/Preacher/Black Guy.

And who bites it in this little movie, you might ask? In a word, the minorities. This movie is secretly subtitled "Kill the Darkies".

•The Cook dies when The Man With Nothing Left To Lose kicks him free from a dangling human chain down an elevator shaft filled with jagged metal. A flaming elevator then lands on him. Turns out the guy *does* have something left to lose, and that something is hispanic.

•The Stowaway (did we mention she was the Cook's girlfriend? We might want to, because the characters never bring it up) dies while swimming through a flooded chamber, gets caught on a cable, panics, and hits her head. They perform CPR, but it is to no avail. Not even Nadia Santos' hotness can save her from this movie's badness. It's ok, though, she's an illegal immigrant and all.

•The Captain/Preacher/Black Guy bites it with the ship's larger population. Turns out that letting 10 people leave the ballroom and sink the ship is hazardous to one's health.

Also on our list of dead weight are

•The Plucky Comic Relief bites it when, get this, he drops his flask while crossing a rickety rubble bridge. Then ship's engine falls on him. Then the engine explodes. No, this was not enough punishment, his character was *really* annoying.

•The Dad nobly sacrifices himself while The Lovers (Part B) is saying goodbye to The Lovers (Part A), á la Armageddon. People who have phobias of drowning should not watch this sequence. People who might develop phobias of drowning should not watch this sequence.

Even in disaster movies where they practically require there to be 3 female characters (so that the slut can die and the other two can get married), there is *still* no Mo Movie Moment! The only time I can recall two female characters talking to each other in this movie at all is when The Lovers (Part A) and The Stowaway are trying to free The Lovers (Part B) from a pile of wreckage. And they don't have enough brains to do it, so the (plastered) Plucky Comic Relief has to come in and rescue the helpless women.

Wait, maybe this movie really *is* total garbage...

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