February 19th, 2002



I have no food.
I have not actually gone food shopping in months.
I mean, every once in awhile I go down to the Chopper or to Trader Joe's to pick up something specific (or just Honey Farms if they have it), but we have no steak. We have no...no what?

What is it that I crave?
I seek more than just nutrition. I want something I can't have now. Or maybe I just can't find it. I long for something sensuous, and as long as I have been alive, that has only been food. Nothing has ever loved me back the way a steak does. No one ever makes me happy like a cheeseburger. I don't think anyone's even tried.

I know I'm not fat...but I am overweight. Maybe if I eat less rich food I'll lose weight, but I eat so little anyway. Last Friday I hadn't had a bite to eat until 9:30. Maybe it isn't that I eat too much but that I eat too wrong. But I like fresh and healthy food. Its just...not here.

Not here Worcester? Not here my apartment? Maybe just not now...

I'm s Neutral Good Elf Palladin Mage. Not that anybody cares...
  • Current Music
    Basket Case - Green Day


The summer before my senior year of high school was my last year of Summer Camp. It was a gloriously bright and beautiful summer, and it was wonderful even when it was raining.

But something was wrong...me. At my summer camp, they choose the staff from the campers. Training them in leadership and interpersonal skills and turning them from boys to men. Two summers in a row I had been a Senior - one of the oldest groups of campers, and two summers in a row I had not been invited into the only career I ever wanted.

Senior Rec(ognition) is given on the last night of camp, where we all sing songs and receive awards and reminisce. It's the last time (except for breakfast the next morning) that the camp is all together, and it is the last time that group of people will ever be there. They pass out candles and they get lit from one person to another all the way around the circle, all three hundred campers and leaders and staff.

By the time dinner started that final night, I was crying. On our way down to the ceremony I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wasn't good enough. I didn't have what they wanted. I didn't deserve what I wanted most. My throat cracked and I lost my voice trying to sing. And when it came time to blow out our candles one by one I barely had the breath to do it. We then shuffled by the dying embers of the fire and deposited our pine cones.

Every year, everyone grabbed two pine cones. One to keep and one to burn. I always got the two prettiest ones I could - and burned the best. And there I was down by the fire, stumbling and dropping in my pinecone, with my leaders' faces glistening in the night, and they were waiting for us with hugs and handshakes and I collapsed into the arms of the first one I saw and sobbed.

I don't know how long I was there in his arms. Probably not too long. The number one lesson of my childhood is that no one knows how I feel. No one. Especially when they say they do. That was my last night in heaven. That was the last night that taps quietly lulled me to sleep from across the forest.

The next night Marc dumped me. This is how I feel now. I know that soon, things will never be the same. I will say goodbye to very good friends, and no matter how they might seem otherwise, a big part of my life is ending. Once again I have failed. But this time, I have failed someone else. Not just myself.

Maybe...Maybe when I die...I'll get to see it again...Be part of it...Return to Heaven...

Tell me why the stars do shine.
Tell me why the ivy twine.
Tell me why the sky's so blue.
Tell me, dear Belknap, just why I love you.

Because God made the stars do shine.
Because God made the ivy twine.
Because God made the sky so blue.
That's why, dear Belknap, just why I love you.
  • Current Music
    Lean On Me - Bill Withers