March 19th, 2002

shield

Life

Stupid Title, I know. Probably a million posts of mine will have it.

Advice from Chris, Janet, et. al :
Stop looking for it and you will eventually get it.
Advice from the Tao Te Ching :
Stop looking for it and you will eventually get it.

But I want it now. I want to be happy. I want to feel loved and appreciated. Ironically enough, I know that giving up brings happiness. It's worked several times...for awhile...

Sean and I played Go again. Playing Go usually puts me in a terrible mood because it is a thinking game. And I usually end up thinking about how much my life sucks. He tried to cheer me up and talked to me about things, but we didn't get anywhere.

I DO know what's bothering me. I just don't know how to talk about it with people. What's bothering me is the fact that Doc moved out. The only person I was able to open up to in Worcester was forced to leave because, for numerous reasons, he couldn't live here anymore.

And every last one of those reasons has to do with my friends. I doubt I can clearly see anymore how much of this clusterfuck is Doc's fault and how much belongs to other people. All I can tell is that not everyone cared enough to do what I think a good friend should, and some people seemed to be making things worse just for the fun of it.

Especially Turin. It hurt me greatly the way he treated Doc to the point where I actually tried to hit him. And that also wasn't where he started treating me like an unwanted houseguest either. He had been doing that for quite some time and was rapidly becoming unbearable by the time he went away on Project.

And given how little either of our positions on Doc made sense to the other, I completely gave up on ever getting him to understand how he makes me feel. Not that life so far would indicate he or anyone else truly could.

On a positive note, the first game session of my Earthdawn game went well. I don't know the rules nearly well enough, but at least they spent most of the session role playing and not rolling. Glenn's plot accelerated farther than I had intended, but at the same time, he didn't get as far in other directions as I had planned.
  • Current Music
    Sehnsucht - Rammstein