December 13th, 2002


...the Abyss stares back.

This morning's dream, I was in a Pirate ship, in a cell with two lovers and some others. The lovers were scampering all over the place telling love poetry to each other, but I knew something was wrong with the woman. I opened one of the large windows in our cell and looked out. We were on a hill covered in bright green grass. Now, the Pirates had told us that it was very stormy out, and that through the fogged glass, the sea would look like grass, but this was a beautiful, clear day. The female lover stopped her capering and walked up to me, and in the sunlight, I could see she had mottled green flesh and sunken eyes. "What are you," I asked. "A Sea Hag," she replied. "I steal men's minds by wrapping my tongue around theirs so they can't breathe. Eventually, their eyes turn to their side and their mind comes loose. I tug out their tongue and their mind follows.

This was when the male lover noticed the open window and we jumped ship. The object we believed to be a Pirate ship was like the roof of an old church or other New England building with many additions over the years, only covered in a rich sward. We traversed its roof right down to where it met the ground and cavorted our way over to the sea, where there was a little gateway paved with grey flagstones. I willed myself into the air like I always can in dreams and took off for a round flat swirling platform that was the exit of this place. There was a weight hanging from my leg. It was Captain Hook. "I've decided, Captain, that I shall keep you around some time yet. You've always made life entertaining. We landed on the platform, and I could feel it getting ready to absorb us. I told the ignorant traveler we had taken along, who looked oddly like my brother, to find his way back to the third planet. That was home."

Sometimes I wonder just what is going to happen, whether I'll get any of the things I truly want, or just stay stuck getting the things I kind of like. But recent events have only reaffirmed my earlier belief that I won't kill myself. Quite the opposite, actually. The person you all care about will be long dead before my body finishes the job. I've felt things, parts of my mind and body, slipping away since High School. When I was a sophomore, I was terrified, because I felt something running out, and I know it did. Maybe it was called Innocence, or maybe Ignorance. But one thing I haven't run out of is faith. I often say that I have no faith in people, but that isn't true. I have faith in you. Boundless, endless hope beyond reason that someday I will feel the emotions that you say you have, and that I believe you have. It is this faith that sustains me far more than my belief in God. This weekend brings the anniversary of Derek Bacon's death. I never had the pleasure of meeting him, but I have read your thoughts on him, played in his games, and read his stories. I have placed all my faith in you, and judging by the way you remember Derek, my faith is not misplaced.
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