January 28th, 2003


passive agressive

My mind is all I have. I have had friends, many of them, and I live for them. But I cannot rely on my friends like I can rely on my mind. It genuinely scares me when I see or hear things that might not really be there because that shows the frailty in my own mind. I don't know how to deal with something if I haven't thought it to death. It's so hard to try and act on impulse, but I need to keep trying. Keeping things bottled up or putting them off only makes things worse. Especially when I find, as is more and more the case, that I don't know the right answer.

A year ago, I tried to punch my roommate. Stating the cause of this will only make people hate me, so I will cut to the chase. I was upset at him. But I was more upset at myself for allowing him to do what was upsetting me. The situation grew worse and worse until, with a catalyst, I could no longer hold in my frustration trying to find the answer. Things would be so different on so many levels if only I knew how to tell him what he was doing to me. Finding the answer is as moot now as it was then, not all problems can be solved.

I will try. God help me, I will try to actually tell people about things when they start instead of when they finish. I can only wonder if it will earn me more enemies than bottling it up.
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