February 16th, 2003


Bowling for Columbine

When I saw this film, I was angry, brimming with rage. You wouldn't notice. I learned long ago that displays of emotion were dangerous, and as resistant as I am to acting stereotypical, there is a damn good reason that men act as we do. People will attack you for any sign of emotion if you are a man, I don't care what you say, it's true. I am trying to remove that from my behaviour, as the only way to illicit change is to change yourself.

But as I was saying, I was brimming with rage. At myself. For getting lost in my petty sophomoric concerns and not doing more about the state of the world at large. When I look back at what I was dreaming about as a kid, being a mathematician wasn't part of the equation. Hell, I wanted to avoid college, but didn't know what else I would do - how else I would try and get at my dreams. Why has it taken so long for someone to say all the things I've been feeling about American Society? And why is it that no one is listening? How can I get caught up in games when I have a diploma to finish up? And how is my diploma going to do me any good at all? All this is just a delaying tactic, I told myself, something to do to stockpile money for the day I figured out what needed to be done. But somewhere along the lines I forgot to continue to strive toward a solution. I have an idea for one, but it may backfire and cause unforseeable harm.

There are currently two directions I want to go with my life, and while they are not mutually exclusive, they involve tackling this problem from completely different angles. In one dream, I am a father, raising a child or two or ten, trying to teach them what wisdom I have gained, and how to see the world for its possibilities. I'm still not ready to share the other one, but if it succeeds, then millions of people reading this will know exactly what I'm referring to.

Here I am already, acting the same as I always have.
  • Current Music
    Ode to Joy - Ludwig van Beethoven (featured in Bowling for C