And then I think of the mess I'd be leaving for my friends. Trying to get through finals with this hanging over their head, or having to skip finals to be at my funeral. Leaving my roommate out on what's left of the rent, leaving my parents to pay off two college debts that led nowhere. It was my mother who first told me that I lived for my friends. She has no idea how true that is. If there were only something I could do to disappear and make all your lives easier, I'd do it in an instant.
This morning's dream was some CGI island paradise out of Kingdom Hearts. Something kept pulling me toward the ocean but when I got to the edge, it was gone. We caught a giant nasty sea turtle, but no matter how hard we stabbed, we couldn't kill it. That's one thing that always terrified me. That I'd try to kill myself and fail.