Me: complexticated. no rays of sunshine in any direction save one, and my feelings for Andrew are too clouded for me to understand whether or not I can even make the attempt.
Her: ::makes noise of sympathetic disgust:: i know the feeling
Me: Oh, I don't doubt it.
Her: friendship clouded?
Me: I don't rightly know if I can even have the kind of relationship I want, let alone with him. And this damned Internet thing confuses all my emotions.
Her: what do you want?
Me: And let me tell you one thing, if you ever have a son, tell him to never masturbate. It's the worst waste of time and effort he'll ever have, and it confuses all feelings you have for anyone you fantasize about.
Her: you're asking the impossible. and i can manage. generally i try to keep them unsullied, but we're only human
Me: I want to feel loved. I feel like I live my life in a vacuum and have never been touched by the emotions of others. I want to not feel that way. I want to feel connected, cared for. I want someone to make me truly believe that, somehow, everything will be all right.
Me: But most of all, I want to be in a relationship where, even if those things aren't happening, I can at least believe that they might.
Her: yes. i subvert that into unquestioned devotion.
Me: In those rare moments where I've come close enough to being in a relationship, the thing that has kept me from it was the absence of that I crave, and the inability to believe it will come. And I cannot summon the unquestioned devotion to make last something I don't believe in.
Her: but that's just the thing. i'm waiting for the spark, but meanwhile, i'm falling in love with a love of people. i have to do something with that love.