Gregory Pettigrew (etherial) wrote,
Gregory Pettigrew

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St. Valentine's Day Massacre

After 24 hours of perpetual paranoia, most of it very well founded, Ben can breathe a sigh of relief - the St. Valentine's Day Massacre is over. Ben was killed 30 times during the day - the equivalent of one kill every 48 minutes.

For those of you interested, here's a recap of the day's events - all the kills, and some of the more notable misses.

12:00:00 - midnight, Valentine's Day. Ben is happily surrounded by his friends in the wedge. All of them are wearing shirts - some wear them around their faces, strangely.

12:00:01 - Madness erupts, during a brawl between Ben, the T-Shirt Ninjas, and a group of renegades attempting to keep Ben alive. Many people die in the encounter, Ben and most of the Ninjas included.

12:23:24 - On his way back to his room from the wedge, Ben enjoys a bottle of orange juice offered to him by his girlfriend Amanda Hines. He might have lived through it had he read the "Warning: Poison" part of the label.

12:34:52 - Upon stepping into his poorly lit room, Ben is eaten by a Grue carefully bred and raised for murder by Rory Fuller. Abe Shultz, hiding in the closet, hears the commotion, and, in the worst attempt to save a life ever, shoots Ben in the head, making him even more dead.

12:44:11 - Somewhere in Founders, a Shirt Ninja jumps out of the elevator. Finding no one there, he then trips and falls on his dagger. Elsewhere, a suspicious trash can was thoroughly killed, revealing Abe inside.

12:46:44 - Ben blows up. Inspection later reveal that Kevin Munn's watch was somehow attached to a bomb and placed inside Ben's trenchcoat, while he was wearing it.

1:12:55 - Ben, long suspected of Nazi collaboration, turns to dust after his soul is sucked out by the Ark of the Covenant. Jeremiah Chaplin, seen conducting the ritual that opened and unleashed the Ark, had no comment. Rob and Rory also found the event unnecessarily amusing. Some persons say it was their idea. Those persons were also found turned to dust.

1:41:40 - Another Shirt Ninja attacks, this time wearing the shirt previously seen worn by Kevin. With his elite Ninja speed, he rushes in, shoots Ben in the back, and vanishes before anyone knows what happened. Do not mess with ninjas.

2:07:53 - Jeremiah, in an attempt to blow up Ben, rigs his cell phone to explode. Meanwhile, across the wedge, John Brewer hacks into the phone system using his phone and remotely detonates Jeremiah's own device, and Ben along with it.

2:36:10 - Thwarted by his cell phone attempt, Jeremiah then rigs his laptop to explode, whilst playing the Offspring's "Change the World". This time it actually works like it was intended to, meaning that Jeremiah was not blown up unknowingly in the process.

2:55:09 - Also on her way back from the discount explosive store, Megan Williamson also sets a bomb, which also blows Ben into tiny pieces. Ben begins to tire of being blown up.

3:21:26 - Ben walks into his room, intending to go to sleep soon. Jeremiah aids him in going to sleep by shooting him many times as he walks in the door. Ben was not very appreciate of Jeremiah's help.

3:35:00 - Ben goes to his computer to check his email. His screen flashes and the screen changes to a text message saying "Kevin says HAHA SUCKA!!!" or something to that effect. The computer then explodes, engulfing Ben in shrapnel and spare computer parts that can probably be obtained from his room at reasonable prices.

3:45:00 - Ben wakes up from his last death, sword in hand, just as Jeremiah attempts to cut him down. In the fierce duel that ensues, Jeremiah is slain.

4:27:00 - A combination of explosives and poison needles in Ben's bed causes him much bodily harm as he goes to sleep.

8:56:00 - Ben wakes up, marvelling in the fact that he remained unshot, unstabbed, unpoisoned, and generically unkilled during his brief slumber.

13:35:57 - Ben walks in to his suite after lunch, commenting to his roommates about his lack of being killed that day. As he says this, Owen Smith stabs him in the back. In an effort to leave no witnesses to his act, he then kills his other suitemate. And his girlfriend. On Valentine's Day. How, um... poetic.

13:49:07 - Ben gets a mysterious phone call from Stacey Haponik. There was little conversation involved, as Ben instantly fell victim to a poisoned needle attached to the phone. The source of the needle, considered the same as the one that got Ben as he went to bed, was later discovered to be Rob Knapp's Discount Poison Needle Emporium.

14:00:53 - Ben's head is cleaved by a poleaxe. He didn't see it coming, mainly because his assailant, Nick Pinney, never actually entered the room, simply using the range given to him by a 6 foot poleaxe to stay in the hall.

14:28:00 - Confronted outside Founders Hall, Ben is left with no choice but to use a handy thermal detonator to vaporize someone only identifiable as "John, Stacey's Bearded Friend." This is interesting, as "Stacey, John's Unbearded Friend" then hacks Ben to death with a lightsaber.

14:49:36 - Investigating a mysterious sound coming from his room, Ben is unsuspecting cut in half with a poleaxe, this time wielded by Amanda. Owen, thwarted in an attempt to kill Ben, goes insane and kills everyonein the room.

15:15:07 - Amanda again tries to poleaxe Ben in the back. Slightly more aware this time, Ben wastes no time in dispatching her. He then turns to write a Word document on the experience, and promptly falls dead from some poison on his computer mouse. Elsewhere in the room, Rory just smiles.

15:34:19 - Anyone listening to Ben's common room hears the sounds of an explosion, several gunshots, and some swords being thrown. Somehow Ben gets out unscathed.

16:11:33 - While watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force with some friends, a PDA in Ben's room mysteriously blows up. Bearded John is saddened by this, as he will have to buy a new PDA now.

16:32:00 - Ben's room is closed. Unusual. Many speculate what he is hiding in there; guesses include illegal drugs, his girlfriend, and Kevin's Watch Bomb. While the truth of the first guesses remains unsure, the last guess was, unfortunately, true.

19:10:03 - A Wannabe Shirt Ninja (rumors say that the Ninja actually used a sweater as a mask) cleverly disguised as Megan disguised as a Shirt Ninja runs into the Octawedge, clubs Ben to death, and flees.

20:06:10 - Freshly finished offering his services as an usher for the play in Alden that day, Ben goes downstairs, where Bubbles, Rory's prized poison frog, jumps down from nowhere and eats Ben's brains.

20:20:24 - Ben and Rory, getting in an argument over Rory's failure to restrain his animals, kill each other, Ben using his trusty death ray, Rory using a knife.

20:40:25 - Approximately eight people go into Ben's common room to watch anime, Ben among them. After several gunshots, only Kevin walks out.

20:58:48 - Will "guy with the Indiana Jones hat" makes good use of his hat, with optional Razor Sharp Edge, and goes all Oddjob on Ben.

22:36:01 - Craig Perko, feeling left out of the community experience of killing Ben and getting candy, asks if anyone in the room will terribly mind if he kills Ben. Hearing no objection, he kills Ben for Snickers bars. He ends up having to settle for a Kit Kat, as someone beat him to all the Snickers.

22:46:01 - Amanda, sitting in Ben's room, is surprised to find Ben suddenly materialize there. She apparently is not very appreciative of his presence, as she promptly uses a handy broadsword to make him dead again.

23:11:00 - A rival gang of Shirt Ninjas, reportedly led by Kevin "The Other Crazed Killer Named Kevin" Shepardson and Kate Farb-Johnson, storm in and chakram Ben to death at point blank range.

23:20:53 - Wishing to avenge nothing at all, Nick leaps out of his room wielding a makeshift javelin and hurls it at Ben. He misses, striking down Amanda instead. Humiliated by his failure, he then falls on his javelin, preserving his honor, not really preserving his life.

23:40:56 - A gas-masked Rory storms into the room spraying pleasantly pine scented nerve gas everywhere. Ben enjoys the scent before his insides melt.

23:58:35 - The stress of the day finally gets to Ben, as he snaps and runs manically around Founders. Rory finds he is left with no choice but to shoot Ben and put him out of his misery, ending Ben's day of endless deaths.

Rory wins the Most Crazed Killer Award, scoring six kills and two assists on Ben. Summary of everyone's kills:
Rory Fuller: 6, 2 assists
Kevin Munn: 5
Jeremiah Chaplin: 3
Amanda Hines: 3
Rob Knapp: 2, 1 assist
Will Hat-Boy: 1, 1 assist
Stacey Haponik: 1, 1 assist
Abe Shultz: 1
Jon Brewer: 1
Megan Williamson: 1
Owen Smith: 1
Nick Pinney: 1
John "Bearded guy whose last name might be Gibbons": 1
Craig Perko : 1
Kevin Shepardson and Kate Farb-Johnson: 1

And a run down of the methods of operation:
Stabbings/Cleaving with sharp objects: 8
Bombings: 7
Shootings: 5
Poison Needles: 2
Food Poisons: 1
Grues: 1
Arks of the Covenant: 1
Contact Poisons: 1
Bludgeonings: 1
Poison Frogs: 1
Hats: 1
Chakrams: 1
Toxic Gases: 1

And now, the GM's picks for top 6 Coolest kills:
#6: Kevin's reverse-pickpocketing a bomb into the GM's pocket.
#5: Stacey's phone call, luring the GM into Rob's poison needle.
#4: Jeremiah's faulty phone bomb, followed by John Brewer's not faulty phone bomb.
#3: The massive brawl at 12:01:01 between a horde of Shirt Ninjas and some self-declared bodyguards, where everyone died, including Ben.
#2: The GM being simultaneously shot by Abe Shultz and devoured by Rory Fuller's Grue
#1: Jeremiah, with Rob Knapp and Rory Fuller's advice, using the Ark of the Covenant to drain all the souls in the wedge.

Thanks to everyone who played, and died, and killed me, many, many, MANY times. Hopefully everyone had fun, and enjoyed their candy. And yes, there will likely be a St. Valentine's Day Massacre 2, coming next year, complete with more organized rules. Any feedback on the game is welcomed, sent to and not the list. Thanks again, everyone, and happy hunting, -Ben Johnson

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